Geezer Sluggish Judgement Syndrome

Trust The Science

The Royal Tyrone Academy of Science has recently completed an exhaustive study that has identified a mental deficiency common among superannuated male humans (Geezers) heretofore unexplained. The study examined a plethora of data collected from a diverse population of geezers and analyzed with the help of Facebook’s AI and the Chinese quantum computer used by the NIH to evaluate Coronavirus data. The study was examined by independent experts and the results were confirmed during an exhaustive collaboration of the Royal Academy’s Peer-Review committee. The study has resulted in the identification of a suspected mental disorder now known as Geezer Sluggish Judgement Syndrome (GSJS).

The study was submitted to the Fact-Checking Politbureau of the Democratic National Committee, which confirmed its validity and declared Trump as the cause of the disorder. Legislation has been proposed and submitted to Nancy-Gataor for scheduling in the U. S. House of Incompetents.

Background:

Children are told at an early age by their mothers not to touch a hot stove. They nevertheless need to test this advice and are surprised to learn the truth of their mother’s advice. Thankfully, this testing does not result in serious or permanent injury but the tactile experience produces life-long safety awareness. Hot stove - don’t touch.

At more advanced ages, safety lessons are frequently learned by mere instruction, without the necessity for dangerous testing. A father’s advice not to touch the spinning blade of a skill saw, for instance, is not generally tested by older children. Advice to step over a fallen log, rather than to step on it, is recognized as common sense and stored into one’s safety protocol library without independent verification.

After years of accumulated experience, people of average mental ability can observe a given situation and deduce dangerous aspects using their unconscious database of common sense and applied logic. This natural tendency of humans to learn from others and their own experience has enabled the species to thrive, rather than go the way of the Do-Do Bird.

Examples of the Data:

From the countless mega-terabytes of data analyzed in this study, a few examples are worthy of presentation for illustration purposes.

1. A 75-year-old man was engaged in clean-up of fallen tree limbs in his back yard. He was using a chain saw in this operation and observed the machine’s safety protocols. To reach a limb that needed cutting, the man stepped on a fallen log - instead of stepping over it (which he could easily have done). The log rolled a bit, the man lost his balance and fell, the man’s arm was broken. During his transition from vertical to horizontal, the man remembered the safety protocol of stepping over a log instead of on it. Remembering that protocol before taking the step would have produced a better result.

2. A 75-year-old man was sitting at his desk. He dropped something on the floor and reflexively reached out and down to retrieve it. He instantly, and without warning, fell to the floor.  This man has a history of diminished balance and motor control and has developed ways to overcome the disability. If he had reached and leaned in a more deliberate manner, retrieval of the lost object would have been accomplished without painful bruising and damage to the ego.

3. An 80-year-old woman was working in the kitchen and needed an implement located on the counter a few feet to her right. The woman turned her torso to the right and reached for the item but never moved her feet. Another case of almost instant repositioning from vertical to on-floor horizontal. Ensuring that all parts of the body are prepared to go in the desired direction enhances one’s ability to coordinate mobility.

Conclusions:

“Be Careful” is not just a polite cliche. Progression through life uninjured requires strict application of safety protocols and a little bit of luck. Nothing will prevent your truck from getting smashed by a reckless driver who happens to be in the same place and time as you. You can, however, minimize the smashing (or at least its serious effects) at other times by wearing a seat belt and actually driving the truck instead of just riding along asleep behind the wheel.

Unwavering implementation of accumulated safety protocols indisputably prevents the unintended “vertical to horizontal” repositioning - and most other “accidents.” The vast majority of us manage this “life skill” (unwavering implementation of accumulated safety protocols - aka common sense), enabling us to proceed with the business of life with fewer aches, pains, bruises, and bandaids. This study has revealed the tendency of afflicted Geezers to, at least in certain circumstances, disregard or disremember that “Mom told me the stove was hot” and some of the other protocols we’ve accumulated over time.

Mental superannuation progresses at a different rate than chronological superannuation. Some 75-year-old humans have the mental acuity of the average 50-year-old, while some at 75 display the cognitive ability of a sponge. For the “normal” or “average” geezer remembering that the stove is hot is not frequently forgotten or disregarded, nor do they head off in one direction without first ensuring their feet are pointed that way. With this new information in hand, Geezers are advised to renew their commitment to observing all safety protocols and give more thought to planning the next tendon contraction.

Recommendations:

• When someone says “Be Careful,” even if it is just polite conversation, give the advice more careful consideration by renewing a commitment to employ common sense.

• When someone says “Drive Carefully,” remember that reflexes may be a bit slower than they used to be and that increased attention paid to other traffic will give more advanced knowledge about dangerous situations. “Defensive Driving” is essential for geezers.

• Ego is your enemy. Many things you could have done easily a few years ago require additional mental preparation and focus. Some things should not be attempted without assistance. Friends and family are happy to help and gratitude is a safer attitude than embarrassment. It’s quicker for that impatient millennial behind you at the busy intersection to wait for you to properly evaluate traffic conditions than to spend her time being questioned by the cop that investigates the accident.

• Guard against reflex action. Trying to grab a dropped item before it hits the floor requires unconscious (extremely fast) muscle control. The geezer processor (motor control circuits in the brain) isn’t as fast as it used to be. Processor operations (e.g. walking and chewing gum) require a few more nanoseconds in geezers than in whipper-snappers. A given reflex action can put the body out of balance beyond the ability of geezer circuits to compensate. Let the toothbrush hit the floor: washing it off is easier (and less painful) than regaining vertical after an “Oops.”

Trust the Science - Geezer Pontification

 

Team BACON Institute of Psychological Research

Team BACON psychologists have completed an exhaustive study, based on accumulated data hacked from the private accounts of a multitude of unwitting subjects, which reveals the basis of a heretofore unexplained phenomenon. The results of this study have been submitted to a team of scientists who subjected it and its underlying data to a comprehensive analysis of the empirical and counterfeit statistics, in an effort to justify a flimsy theory long-held by a group of charismatic idiots. The results of this analysis and compilation of related suspicions have been subjected to a thorough peer-group review and have been certified as factual by the World Health Organization’s group of Orangutan Savants and employees of the Town of Tyrone’s Bovine Excrement Processing Facility. 

Recognized Phenomenon

It is common knowledge that geriatric individuals tend to disseminate information - frequently unsolicited - to anyone polite enough to endure the sometimes lengthy pontification. 

These “lectures” typically, but not always, focus on subjects about which the perpetrator has some experience. Many times the information is generic in nature and not particularly specific nor is it exactly on the topic which gave rise to the launch of the diatribe. A pontificator will frequently include a plethora of barely germane material or tangential wisdom if the subject is something with which he/she has vast experience. Inexperience and/or limited knowledge will not necessarily, however, prevent commencement of the flow of verbiage.

The perpetrator always seems to assume, whether accurately or not, that the information is extremely desirable or important for some reason, to the recipient(s). The length and breadth of the screed are typically increased exponentially if it is the result of a question posed by a recipient, even if the request is merely a polite conversational comment instead of a sincere desire for knowledge. A lengthy description of wristwatch construction is not an uncommon response to a request for the current time of day.

Conclusion

The pertinent question, asked by every generation down through the ages, is: Why do geezers do this? Team BACON scientists have found the answer to this perennial mystery.

Every geezer has arrived at his/her elevated chronological status by the passage of time. During each phase of his/her mental development, the geezer accumulates knowledge and experience. Each unique adventure experienced, educational program completed, profession practiced, avocation mastered, or accidental demise averted leaves memories to be stored. The geezer’s brain sorts these bits of data into an organized biological library of “information” which is later utilized as a new task is approached. “Learning” is a term commonly applied to this process.

The size of a geezer’s mental library, i.e. his/her ability to add additional data, is limited by a finite biological capacity. This capacity is different for each individual, as is the ability to sort the data to make it useful. As a particular geezer approaches his/her natural capacity to store and sort data, additional input causes internal conflicts within the geezer’s neural system.  These conflicts manifest themselves in a myriad of ways that adversely affect his/her quality of life.

Geezers frequently complain of minor aches and pains, sleeplessness, impotence, frequent urination, loss of agility, muscle weakness, etc. It’s time-consuming to ask a geezer; “How’re ya doin’?” “Gettin’ old ain’t for pusseys” is the geezer mantra. Sometimes these afflictions can be legitimately attributed to specific medical conditions, but, as often as not, medical treatment is driven more by the FDA-approved medical procedure known as “walletectomy” than by actual disease.

Recommendations

Fortunately, we now know the cause and effect of many geriatric complaints. A definitive link between Geezer Pontification and Geriatric Information Overload has been established. The revelation of this link enables us to explain the cause of Geezer Pontification and to begin to alleviate many geriatric medical complaints.

As the geezer reaches the critical point of information overload, the psychological pressure produced seeks an outlet to relieve what we call the “Brain Fart Threshold”, which is that point where additional data cannot be stored without excessive rearrangement and re-formatting of existing info. The energy used in the rearrangement process detracts from the body’s ability to perform its normal neurological activity and thus produces the aforementioned geriatric medical complaints.

The Brain Fart Threshold also triggers Geezer Pontification. The geezer’s psyche views the verbose, lengthy, and detailed dispersal of information as a means, at least temporarily, to relieve the pressure of excess data storage/arrangement. The degree to which excess data pressure is relieved is proportional to the length and intensity of the pontification. 

Moreover, the age of the intended pontification recipient affects the efficacy of the act itself. The geezer’s psyche perceives a younger recipient as being able to soak up more of the projected data stream, thereby providing more relief to the overloaded geezer.  Although geezers will frequently pontificate to other geezers, they know, on some unconscious level, that this type of recipient cannot provide as much relief as a younger one. A whipper-snapper is, therefore, always a preferred and appreciated target.

To the extent Geezer Pontification reduces the Brain Fart Threshold of a given geezer, his/her normal bodily functions are partially restored and numerous geriatric maladies are reduced or eliminated. Fewer BMWs are procured by members of the medical profession but the quality of life is increased for geezers.

Because Geriatric Information Overload has now been identified and quantified, Geezer Pontification should be adopted as a recognized psychiatric therapy.  Geezers should come out of the closet and recognize that their sermons are necessary to mental health and should be unapologetic in the execution thereof. Whipper-Snappers should gladly and politely accept the info dump contained in the pontification and rejoice in the knowledge that they are alleviating the real and debilitating pains of their elders. Imagine a world where patient attention paid to a geezer’s lecture on gun control would actually allow the old fart to sleep through the night without having to get up to pee.

Appendix

• This article is the property of Team BACON and cannot be reproduced, or disseminated without express written permission.

• It is anticipated that this study will receive numerous awards from recognized scientific organizations. None of the associated prize money will be donated to BLM or Antifa.

• The discoveries and/or recommendations herein may not be used by any representative of the Democratic Party nor any Politician affiliated therewith.

• Any constructive criticism will be gladly received by Köenig Ratte. Offensive comments or communist propaganda should be stored where the sun don’t shine.