Geezer Sluggish Judgement Syndrome
Trust The Science
The Royal Tyrone Academy of Science has recently completed an exhaustive study that has identified a mental deficiency common among superannuated male humans (Geezers) heretofore unexplained. The study examined a plethora of data collected from a diverse population of geezers and analyzed with the help of Facebook’s AI and the Chinese quantum computer used by the NIH to evaluate Coronavirus data. The study was examined by independent experts and the results were confirmed during an exhaustive collaboration of the Royal Academy’s Peer-Review committee. The study has resulted in the identification of a suspected mental disorder now known as Geezer Sluggish Judgement Syndrome (GSJS).
The study was submitted to the Fact-Checking Politbureau of the Democratic National Committee, which confirmed its validity and declared Trump as the cause of the disorder. Legislation has been proposed and submitted to Nancy-Gataor for scheduling in the U. S. House of Incompetents.
Background:
Children are told at an early age by their mothers not to touch a hot stove. They nevertheless need to test this advice and are surprised to learn the truth of their mother’s advice. Thankfully, this testing does not result in serious or permanent injury but the tactile experience produces life-long safety awareness. Hot stove - don’t touch.
At more advanced ages, safety lessons are frequently learned by mere instruction, without the necessity for dangerous testing. A father’s advice not to touch the spinning blade of a skill saw, for instance, is not generally tested by older children. Advice to step over a fallen log, rather than to step on it, is recognized as common sense and stored into one’s safety protocol library without independent verification.
After years of accumulated experience, people of average mental ability can observe a given situation and deduce dangerous aspects using their unconscious database of common sense and applied logic. This natural tendency of humans to learn from others and their own experience has enabled the species to thrive, rather than go the way of the Do-Do Bird.
Examples of the Data:
From the countless mega-terabytes of data analyzed in this study, a few examples are worthy of presentation for illustration purposes.
A 75-year-old man was engaged in clean-up of fallen tree limbs in his back yard. He was using a chain saw in this operation and observed the machine’s safety protocols. To reach a limb that needed cutting, the man stepped on a fallen log - instead of stepping over it (which he could easily have done). The log rolled a bit, the man lost his balance and fell, the man’s arm was broken. During his transition from vertical to horizontal, the man remembered the safety protocol of stepping over a log instead of on it. Remembering that protocol before taking the step would have produced a better result.
A 75-year-old man was sitting at his desk. He dropped something on the floor and reflexively reached out and down to retrieve it. He instantly, and without warning, fell to the floor. This man has a history of diminished balance and motor control and has developed ways to overcome the disability. If he had reached and leaned in a more deliberate manner, retrieval of the lost object would have been accomplished without painful bruising and damage to the ego.
An 80-year-old woman was working in the kitchen and needed an implement located on the counter a few feet to her right. The woman turned her torso to the right and reached for the item but never moved her feet. Another case of almost instant repositioning from vertical to on-floor horizontal. Ensuring that all parts of the body are prepared to go in the desired direction enhances one’s ability to coordinate mobility.
Conclusions:
“Be Careful” is not just a polite cliche. Progression through life uninjured requires strict application of safety protocols and a little bit of luck. Nothing will prevent your truck from getting smashed by a reckless driver who happens to be in the same place and time as you. You can, however, minimize the smashing (or at least its serious effects) at other times by wearing a seat belt and actually driving the truck instead of just riding along asleep behind the wheel.
Unwavering implementation of accumulated safety protocols indisputably prevents the unintended “vertical to horizontal” repositioning - and most other “accidents.” The vast majority of us manage this “life skill” (unwavering implementation of accumulated safety protocols - aka common sense), enabling us to proceed with the business of life with fewer aches, pains, bruises, and bandaids. This study has revealed the tendency of afflicted Geezers to, at least in certain circumstances, disregard or disremember that “Mom told me the stove was hot” and some of the other protocols we’ve accumulated over time.
Mental superannuation progresses at a different rate than chronological superannuation. Some 75-year-old humans have the mental acuity of the average 50-year-old, while some at 75 display the cognitive ability of a sponge. For the “normal” or “average” geezer remembering that the stove is hot is not frequently forgotten or disregarded, nor do they head off in one direction without first ensuring their feet are pointed that way. With this new information in hand, Geezers are advised to renew their commitment to observing all safety protocols and give more thought to planning the next tendon contraction.
Recommendations:
When someone says “Be Careful,” even if it is just polite conversation, give the advice more careful consideration by renewing a commitment to employ common sense.
When someone says “Drive Carefully,” remember that reflexes may be a bit slower than they used to be and that increased attention paid to other traffic will give more advanced knowledge about dangerous situations. “Defensive Driving” is essential for geezers.
Ego is your enemy. Many things you could have done easily a few years ago require additional mental preparation and focus. Some things should not be attempted without assistance. Friends and family are happy to help and gratitude is a safer attitude than embarrassment. It’s quicker for that impatient millennial behind you at the busy intersection to wait for you to properly evaluate traffic conditions than to spend her time being questioned by the cop that investigates the accident.
Guard against reflex action. Trying to grab a dropped item before it hits the floor requires unconscious (extremely fast) muscle control. The geezer processor (motor control circuits in the brain) isn’t as fast as it used to be. Processor operations (e.g. walking and chewing gum) require a few more nanoseconds in geezers than in whipper-snappers. A given reflex action can put the body out of balance beyond the ability of geezer circuits to compensate. Let the toothbrush hit the floor: washing it off is easier (and less painful) than regaining vertical after an “Oops.”
