BRUSSELS SPROUTS

Good morning family;

We're under a winter storm advisoy today but it probably won't mean much to those of us south of Atlanta. Too cold and wet, however, for commuting to the phinancial phaktery on my little Spanish leaf blower - the mighty Derbi 50.

I might remind you, gental readers, that the tough little scrapper carried me to a podium finish in this year's True Grits 50cc Classic. It's a Chihuahua among Greyhounds in the motrcycle racing world. No one ever told the little guy he couldn't mix it up with the big dogs, so he just barks loudly and enjoys life by nipping at their heels. Actually, I've been pulled over by the cops more times on the Derbi than on all my other bikes combined (well, almost). Not for speeding, though.

As I told the Deputy in one of those roadside conversations; "The only way this machine will ever exceed the speed limit is if you thow it off a cliff."

Now, back to more words of wisdom from the Tyrone Academyof Science (T.A.S.), where Principle Culinary Investiator, Bodacious P. "Bubba" Muncher, PHD, MD, DDS. BS., has just released the startling results of yet another exhaustive study.

TAS RECOMENDS BAN OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS

Brusses Sprouts have been shown to be acutely susceptible to a microbe similar to the one that causes Mad Cow Disease. This condition, now known as Brussels Spongiform Encephalophipus (BSE), attacks the inner parts of the fruit of the plant which is commonly eaten by humans.

The disease has been found to be the reason that the Brussels Sprout does not mature to full size, which would be about like a cabbage without the presence of the microbes. "That's why folks call 'em little cabbages, docha know," said Bubba. He went on to say; "Them nasty little bastids get in thar and keep the sprouts from tuning into a real vegable. Them things is real
bad boys and we gotta nuke em, I say."

The T.A.S. report concludes that human consumpion of infected Brussels Sprouts (identfied as any specimen smaller than a soccer ball) leads to a number of maladies, including impotence, hemoroids, flatulence, obesity, and stinky feet - among others.

In related news, TAS anounced the launch of a new study aimed at treating infected Brussels Sprouts, which would render them harmless to humans and household pets. If successful, the process would kill the invading microbes without damaging the harvested fruit. This process would alter the taste of Brussels Sprouts, however, to make them indistinguishble from turnip greens.

"We're gonna patent that fer shore," said Bubba. "Imagine making them nasty little thangs taste like real greens! BS farmers around here will clean up selling them to local folks instead of having to ship them up nawth to them stupid yankees."

On a more personal note.....

I don't think I want to be a girl. Never have, But there's one advantage you folks of the female persuasion have over us guys: When you gotta pee in winter, you don't have to go fishing arount for that little thing wth icy fingers. The pain of childbirth pales in comparison!

MUSHROOMS

It's still dark outside but I just had to get up and make sure you are all aware of a startling and important scientific discovery recently announced.

That Damned Cat had nothing to do with my early ascention this morning. In fact, the poor little kitty was started into conciousness by my bumbling attempt to get from the bed to the bathroom without breaking my neck.

I was just so excited to get to my computer so I could confirm the factuality of this revelation before passing it on to the publc domain. Everyone knows, don't they, that if something is published on the internet it must be totally factual?

So, a quick click of the computer took me to the web site of the Tyrone Academyof Science, where this startling gastronomic revevelation was chronicled. In bold headline the academy's principle culinary investiator, Bodacious P. Muncher, states:

MUSHROOMS SAVE LIVES
Portobellos Best Of Breed

Exhaustive research has proven that inclusion of almost any species of mushroom into otherwise unhealthy dishes diminishes or, in some cases eliminates, the deleterious effecs of cholesterol, oxidants, and many other dietary gremlins.

Tossing a few mushroom bits into a cheesy squash casserole, for instance, transforms every cholestrol molecule into active vitamine C, which is known to cure thecommon cold. A splash of mushroom essence (a tasteless, colorless, odorless derivative) added to your most lavisly
sweet carrot cake eliminates every one of its calories and enhances the benefits of the beta carotine naturally present in the cakes otherwise healthy chracteristics.

A portobello burger was shown to eliminate all of the detrimental effects of the bread surrounding it and the butter used to fry it, AND if a pinch of garlic salt is sprinkled on the icberg lettuce of the "burger" your next dose of Viagra will have double effect.

So, all of you holiday cooks should keep these important new discoveries in mind when planning your upcomming menues.

Some foods do not benefit from the addition of mushrooms or its derivatives. Grits, for instance, are alredy nature's most perfect food so no improvement is possible. Buttermlk also does not benefit because the mushroom essence interferes with formation of jabblies - already widely known for their curative effects.

Plan your hoiday dinner around these new findings and you will have a happy and healthy gastronmical experience destined to become a treasured Christmas memory.