MUSHROOMS

It's still dark outside but I just had to get up and make sure you are all aware of a startling and important scientific discovery recently announced.

That Damned Cat had nothing to do with my early ascention this morning. In fact, the poor little kitty was started into conciousness by my bumbling attempt to get from the bed to the bathroom without breaking my neck.

I was just so excited to get to my computer so I could confirm the factuality of this revelation before passing it on to the publc domain. Everyone knows, don't they, that if something is published on the internet it must be totally factual?

So, a quick click of the computer took me to the web site of the Tyrone Academyof Science, where this startling gastronomic revevelation was chronicled. In bold headline the academy's principle culinary investiator, Bodacious P. Muncher, states:

MUSHROOMS SAVE LIVES
Portobellos Best Of Breed

Exhaustive research has proven that inclusion of almost any species of mushroom into otherwise unhealthy dishes diminishes or, in some cases eliminates, the deleterious effecs of cholesterol, oxidants, and many other dietary gremlins.

Tossing a few mushroom bits into a cheesy squash casserole, for instance, transforms every cholestrol molecule into active vitamine C, which is known to cure thecommon cold. A splash of mushroom essence (a tasteless, colorless, odorless derivative) added to your most lavisly
sweet carrot cake eliminates every one of its calories and enhances the benefits of the beta carotine naturally present in the cakes otherwise healthy chracteristics.

A portobello burger was shown to eliminate all of the detrimental effects of the bread surrounding it and the butter used to fry it, AND if a pinch of garlic salt is sprinkled on the icberg lettuce of the "burger" your next dose of Viagra will have double effect.

So, all of you holiday cooks should keep these important new discoveries in mind when planning your upcomming menues.

Some foods do not benefit from the addition of mushrooms or its derivatives. Grits, for instance, are alredy nature's most perfect food so no improvement is possible. Buttermlk also does not benefit because the mushroom essence interferes with formation of jabblies - already widely known for their curative effects.

Plan your hoiday dinner around these new findings and you will have a happy and healthy gastronmical experience destined to become a treasured Christmas memory.