The Geezer Monster - Episode 2

 

Posnoggeration

Most Geezers don’t have to get up and go to work every day. They’ve taken the off-ramp from that path through the garden of life and passed on to a route with lower speed limits and better scenery. This so-called “scenic route” also provides access to many destinations not easily found on the main highway. Traveling the scenic route allows us to take a day off from drudgery any time we want, as long as we’re caught up on the household chores assigned by SWMBO (She Who Must Be Obeyed). Electronic banking has even relieved us of the obligation to meet the postman to get our Social Security checks. We can just throw a bag of our toys in the back of the car and meet up with other geezers for a day of fun & games, topped off with a session of kicking lies and telling tires. These are the days of our lives - filled with sunshine (we use rainy days for SWMBO chores), shits, giggles, and never letting the truth stand in the way of a good story.

As nice as all this sounds, the Geezer Monster is fully aware of our plans for frivolity by the time we all agree on a meeting place. He has a part-time job at the CIA and NSA. Before we walk on to the first tee the bastard has developed a plan to hook the drive or shank the chip shot. As we learned in the last episode, he’s figured out which gun part to hide in our belt buckle or how to distract a comrade from assisting with acute observation. The monster is relentless, persistent, and diabolically imaginative. We must, therefore, be Semper Paratus and Semper Vigilans, for against The Geezer Monster - praevalēbimus (bonus points for the first reader to guess the translation).

One of the most common of the monster’s shenanigans is adjusting our memory. Just like we used to adjust the rabbit ears on the old TV sets, The Geezer Monster reaches in and twists our neuron pathways so that they produce what we call a posnoggeration. In this situation, thoughts racing through their cranial conduits are given false directional signals and wind up colliding with one another before reaching their destination. I came into the bedroom to get my slippers, SWMBO hollered something I couldn’t understand from the other room, I stepped on the cat’s tail, now I’ve got to pee, and I don’t know why I’m here in the first place. That’s a posnoggeration, and the only possible favorable outcome is to get to the bathroom in time.

Today, as I was leaving the house for an outing with one of my regular comrades, SWMBO ask me to drive by the Post Office and drop off a letter in the mailbox. During today’s journey, I will pass the PO location, but not until I’ve attended to several important duties which involve industrial-strength frivolity and massive absorption of caffeine. Knowing that the Geezer Monster has already been informed of this prime opportunity for mischief, I hesitated; not because I didn’t want to help her out but because I didn’t want the mental abuse that would come from an admission, upon my return home, that: “I’m sorry, my Queen, I plumb forgot.” I don’t need any more reminders that my memory isn’t what it used to be and that she’ll be making a reservation for me at Shady Pines. I decided to take a chance, however, and score a point or two by performing an extra “honey-do” that wasn’t on this week’s list. 

I resolved to enlist my comrade in devising a defensive battle plan to thwart the monster from promulgating a posnoggeration regarding my USPS duties. I placed the letter in a prominent place near the gear-shift lever of the car so as to remind me to enlist my frater in armis (another bonus point for the translation) in the effort to come up with a plan of defense. When I got to our first meeting place I had to move the letter to park the car, so I was reminded to engage my comrade in a discussion. I was proud of myself for remembering, unaided, what the letter was for and why it was perched on the console of the car. I told my friend about my plan and he praised me for having dreamed up such an auspicious strategy to defeat the monster. He agreed that if we both put forth maximum effort we might just score a victory for the good guys this day.

The sun shone brightly on our session of throwing lead pebbles at a berm, a light breeze wafted over our joviality, and good-natured insults were freely exchanged. The Geezers were in their element and the monster was nowhere to be seen. Or so it seemed.

After solving all the world’s problems during the ingestion of sweet potato fries and savory java, my friend and I sauntered out to the parking lot to mount or iron steeds for the trip home. We both blurted out the punch line of our plan to defeat the monster: “Stop by the post office. Stop by the post office. Stop by the post office.” Repeating it, together, out loud, three times, just before the final leg of the journey, we reasoned, would stymie the monster’s attempt at posnoggeration. It worked. I remembered to stop by the PO on my way home to mail the letter. I had it placed in a prominent location in the car that would also be convenient to reach through the driver’s window and drop in the PO box. I was THAT close to defeating the monster and earning a bonus point from SWMBO - all in one fell swoop. Woo Hoo!

Not so fast, there, pilgrim.

The normal route from where I parted with my friend to my home takes me past the PO. I’ve lived in my little town and driven that route almost daily for 30 years. To say I’m familiar with every bump in the road, pebble on the centerline, and driveway cut along the route would be a massive understatement. I absolutely know where the damned Post Office is. It’s been in the same place at the same intersection for as long as I’ve lived in this town. All I have to do is make one extra left turn, drop off the letter, and finish the two-mile drive home. While congratulating myself for my heroic podium finish in today’s memory contest and jousting with the monster, I noticed that I had passed the PO. Apparently, nobody told the car it was supposed to turn left at that intersection and it was just motoring straight on home like always.

For about a nonosecond I reasoned I could just tell SWMBO that I’d mailed the letter and then manufacture some excuse to go out again “to pick something up at the hardware store” but experience told me that she’s got even better ESP than the Monster. At best I’d get the “Shady Pines” lecture and at worst there’d be another dent in the frying pan. So, a u-turn was executed at the next safe spot and I made it back to the PO and then on to the house without further incident.

Did I defeat the Monster? You be the judge. The letter got mailed just like I promised it would. There was an extra mile or so of driving involved and an extra ounce or two of expensive gasoline consumed but the damned letter was safely delivered to the clutches of the United States damned Postal Service. Today, as far as I’m concerned, I beat The Geezer Monster.

Find the next episode HERE